A wave-like nature.

Hello,

I don't know why I'm posting something, I have nothing to say really. Other than the fact that life can be a fucking joke sometimes.

Why did I feel so ready to take it on? What was it that boosted my confidence and told me I knew what I was talking about? And for god sakes, why the fuck did all this readiness and passion disappear the second it appeared in front of me?

56%, I can't fucking believe it...

Falcon vs Squirrel

I saw something pretty impressive yesterday. I was walking around my campus when all of a sudden I see a huge bird fly over me, it must have been a falcon or something of the sort. So I stopped and watched it's huge winds carry it through the air. Now, as if this wasn't a rarity in itself, what came next was the truly impressive part for at that moment it swooped back down into a tree. There it caught a squirrel! You should have seen it fly away with the rodent in its grasp, just amazing!

Anyway, all that to say that we take not having a predator for granted lol.

Always with the sky

It must have been a few weekends ago, it was the first night of Harvest Fest. I don't think I've ever seen such a star-packed sky before. It left me speechless. There were so many stars that instead of being black, the night sky was a navy blue. As I stood there, in the cold after a night of drugs and partying, something happened. I can't really describe what was going through my head, all I can say is it made me really happy.

It was a magical weekend. The warmth of the fires, the colourful leaves, the fairy-tail setting and the sweet smell of nature left me feeling peaceful. I think it was the starting point of what seems to be an ongoing general positive mood.

Put simply, I’ve felt pretty fucking good lately.

I just took a look at my last post and I can't believe the mental state I was in. I don't even remember feeling that way! I'm so happy with things right now. My routine is up and running and my level of productivity is as high as it’s ever been! I can't believe how motivated I've been lately. I don't know how I do it but I've been living off of six and a half hours of sleep. You might think I'm ridiculous, but it's awesome! I've always told myself that I'm the kind of guy who needed endless hours of sleep and yet who always feet tired. Well fuck, I don't feel anymore tired then I used to and I get way more shit done.

I've finished a new piece of the piano, it's quite different to what I usually play and it makes me really happy. I was looking at some old pieces the other day and I realised how much progress I've made, even just over the last year! I just love being able to play, I'm so happy I didn't give it up.

I think this positive mood has to do with the fact that I have grasped a new understanding of myself and it feels like so much weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'll try to talk more in detail about this in a latter post, I'm having troubles putting it into words right now.

One last thing. I am SO happy to be back in Toronto surrounded by people I love.

Go life! lol

The nerd who partys hard

That's me! Or maybe that's who I'd like to be...

I gotta say, I've been feel bloody inadequate these last few days. Everything I'm faced with just drags me down. The thought of grad school and having to apply for funding makes my stomach turn. I don't know what I want to do with my life, no last year did not help, and my marks just aren't good enough.

I want to have the will power to do everything and anything.

For some reason I'm doubting everything I've ever achieved. I get the feeling none of it is important. People say "But you're studying engineering!" or better yet "Haven't you listened to yourself play the piano?!". All I can answer is SO? and SO?. What it is boils down to is that I am not satisfied. People can tell me anything they like but as long as I have this feeling of inadequacy then I just won't be happy.

Instead, my inhibitions keep getting in the way.

I don't know why I feel this way. Do I compare myself too much to others? I think I do somewhat, maybe even a little too much. Of course if the above is true to any extent at all, it's a bad sign...

I say inhibitions, but it might actually be a lack of motivation for all I know.

It's not possible that I'm falling back into a similar frame of mind as that which I had before I left, is it? I have the impression that everything I learnt last year is slowly slipping away from me. My positive attitude, my initiative, my desire to learn etc. Maybe its just because I have so much on my mind. So many bloody little things. So many things I need to get straight so that my routine is back up and running.

Is it even possible to have a desire but not to have the motivation to achieve it?

I just want to be proud. Proud of those things I create. Proud of the way I make people feel. Proud of everything I do. But I'm not, and it's driving me up the wall.

To be a hardcore student, I think I'd have to be a huge party animal and vice versa. But I'm neither; I'm just an other guy in the middle.

Back in the T Dot

De retour, en fin!

Ce n’est pas que la vie en Belgique me soulait, mais j'en avait ras-le-bol de vivre dans un état d'attente, de transition. On n’est jamais très confortable lorsqu'on attend la fin de quelque chose.

Ca fait du bien d'être de retour chez soi. Durant ces derniers temps j'ai eu l'opportunité de revoir tout le monde et ça m’a grave fait du bien. Ce que j'ai remarqué c'est le fait qu'en général les gens n'ont pas changé. C'est vrai que je ne m’attendais pas vraiment qu'ils changent mais j'avoue que ça ma un peut choqué comme les choses sont resté identiques. Il ce peut qu'un an ne suffisse pas. Ceci dit, il faut avouer que certains on bien fait du progrès. J'espère que vous tolérez la subjectivité que j'attribue au mot progrès...

Bah, simplement pour que vous le sachiez, il n'y a pas grand chose de la Belgique qui me manque, a part mes quelques pots et bien sur la bière Belge. Mais bon, les amitiés ne se désintègrent pas avec le temps et la bière ce n’est pas bon pour la santé de toute façon. Le taf c'était bien, mais je m’attends que l'université cette année soit encore plus intéressante. J'ai hâte à me perdre dans mes études.

Ah ouais, un dernier truc. Le français me manque. Bien qu'je fasse un effort et qu'il y en a parmi vous qui faite pareil (je vous apprécie!), c'est loin d'être pareil. Mais bon, faut pas trop ce plaindre dans la vie.

Après tout, j'me sens vraiment bien dans mes pompes en'c moment.

A+ dans le bus.

Where did it all of it go?

Eyes closed, I take a deep breath. “It stinks of nothing” I think to myself. My eye lids reluctantly open, allowing in all too much light at once. A shrill runs through my body and my retina begin to burn making my eyes leak. I give them time to adapt. I wipe my tears away with my bare arm but am not able to stop the shaking for what I behold inspires no cheer.

“This can’t be it, can it? It doesn’t feel right, something is missing”. I take another long deep breath. I feel no breeze but I know there is one blowing, there always was. I feel lost in this place, but I know exactly where I am.

I gaze into the distance for what seems an eternity. The landscape is monotone, a walnut brown colour, and infinitely continuous. There are only remnants of life as far as the eyes can see. I am standing in what used to be a forest. Tree trunks tower above me and cover the ground all around. I feel a rain droplet fall on my cheek. It chooses an all too familiar path, running down to the corner of my mouth. I raise my gaze to the sky. I have the impression of looking at perfection. Never in all of my life have I seen such a complete pallet of grey.

“I’ve been here the whole time, how could it slip away?” I look at my hands only to realize I no longer sense my surroundings. My hands were always such an important way for me to bridge my passion to the world. But that’s in the past. I could rid myself of them now.

I feel as though I have taken a step back to look at this austere world through an impassive window.

I convince my legs to carry me forward. As I walk towards a nearby tree, the sound of leaves brushing against my bare feet stimulates no emotion. But I remember loving it, at times I would even go out of my way to orchestrate such a rhythmical whisking. I walk right up to a tree. I observe its epidermis, it looks dry and severe. Under the slight pressure of my palm the bark gives, crumbling to the ground. I feel nothing.

I turn my back to it and slowly crouch down until I’m sitting alone with my arms crossed over my knees. I bow down my head, hiding this desolate landscape from my sight. I hear drums in the distance. “Just wake up” I whisper to myself “Please just wake up”.

Its actually Very pleasent to look at, the sky that is.

The reason I am...

Happy:

Life is so fucking generous with me.

Disappointed:

I am under the impression no one reads my blog. No one ever comments anyway. Please try to comment, I really want to know what you think.

Satisfied:

I feel like I got a lot done this weekend. I also made sense of a few things that were troubling me.

Stressed:

Although I have a better understand of what was making me unhappy, it is not something I can easily change.

Excited:

I have an amazing summer awaiting me. I will be going to Mallorca for enough time to party my ass off. I have a ticket to one of the dopest festivals on this side of the planet, Dour. I'll be visiting Holland with my dear Berdie. I'm going to finally get to visit Berlin. There are also strong chances that I will be going camping once I'm back in Canada. But not any kind of camping, I'll be camping with my best friend.

Very sad:

My body has been hurting me, in many place. I can't lift weights anymore, I have tendonitis in both elbows and at least one wrist. My knee is still injured from snowboarding and now I'm starting to doubt whether I can continue swimming because of a stupid pain I'm getting in my shoulder(s?).

So pleased:

I have learned a lot about who I really am and what makes me happy. I'm also very proud in many regards. This is what keeps me going to tell you the truth.

Before turning black, it was once again made up of a vivid mix of dark teal , rich orange and mellow pink.

Quite lonely:

I really want to care for someone. Why don't you exist yet?

Everything Moya - Including GY!BE

In case you don't know Godspeed You! Black Emperor they are a post-rock group very similar to Mogwai, and just as amazing.

As I stare into space with their music filling the room I have the impression of dreaming eyes wide open. There is only one type of music more powerful then music that carries you to a beautiful place, and that's the kind that can just as easily drag you around the darkest and most frightening corner of your imagination.

FYI : "Mike Moya is a Canadian rock musician. He is a former member and co-founder of theMontreal-based instrumental rock ensemble Godspeed You! Black Emperor."

Le Destin de la Reine Fourmis

S'il le fallait, quelque part dans les profondeurs de la verdure Amazonienne, une fourmilière ne cessait son animation avec le coucher du soleil. Dans la même pénombre, une odeur quasiment indiscernable qui émanait dun jeune orang-outan attira un Jaguar qui se trouvait à de longue distance. La dense végétation effleurant le jaguar fut l'unique indice de son mouvement. Son regard capté par sa jeune proie de teint orange vif, le jaguar se rapprocha prudemment jusqu'à ce qu'ils soient séparés de peu. Pour son audience perchée bien au dessus du tableau, le prédateur ne ressemblait qu'à une masse floue nageant délicatement parmi la nappe de fougères qui recouvrait le sol. Ignorant la présence de son audience malveillante, le jaguar se figea d'un coup comme pour demander pardon pour ce qu'il était sur le point de faire. Il fallut qu'avec son dernier pas, le jaguar écrabouillât la reine fourmi et détruisît sa colonie. Immobile, son pelage noir étincelait sous les cataractes de lumières pénétrant à travers la canopée. Pendant un moment, le seul bruit qui se propageait provenait de la persévérance du jeune orang-outan de fracasser son fruit turquoise qu'à l’instant précédent il palpait avec affection. Par la suite, une branche dut tomber au mauvais endroit pour effrayer le petit qui se lança dans un arbre et se faufila entre les branches de celui-ci pour se retrouver ardûment caché. Le jaguar, aterré par son malheur, abandonna sa chasse laissant derrière lui la colonie de fourmis en anarchie.

The Sky was Pink

If only I had a special ...

:your remark:

Yea but it was So Beautiful, I really wanted to share that moment.

:your remark:

I know, I know, you're right... but it was Orange too you know ?

In the end you are what you make of yourself

Do you ever try to describe yourself in words? To articulate those characteristics which make you who you are?

If you've ever tried, you'll agree that the answer to this question is by no means simple, it’s not even unilateral. You can answer it on a variety of levels. You could speak of your nationality, culture, social network, religion, social status, jobs, education, achievements, failures etc. I'm sure some people even go as far as defining themselves mainly according to their appearance, geographical location and ancestry. These are all valid answer if you want them to be, you are the only one who has the right to give yourself a meaning, a definition. I would say they're definitely not all equally interesting though...

Iit goes with out saying that most of these things are interdependent. For example, it may be that your culture will influence your social network, religion, social status, education etc. It's also generally true that our failures are the roots of our achievements. What is also obvious is that many of these aspects of our lives are part of the skin we are born into, such as nationality, culture and regretfully social status. Where as others such as our education, social network, achievements and even our faith are (or can be) products of our decisions.

I feel free to be who I want to be. I've always felt free. I have the impression that I was born into a very comfortable world with very little context. I had no strong religious beliefs imposed on me. I was allowed to choose which activities I wanted to take part in as a kid. I do not feel like I have a strict culture to follow. Instead I try to embrace the cultures I know are in my blood because they are wonderful, but in no way does this stop me from appreciating and learning about cultures. I realise that the majority of our fellow Homo sapiens do not have this freedom, whether they are tied down by culture, faith, race or other inopportune circumstance. I strongly sympathise for these people. I am also eternally grateful for my parent's understanding and open mindedness.

The freedom I have been blessed with has allowed me to have a great deal of control over who I become, it is the reason I am so interested in firmly grasping my persona. However I’m sure it is also the reason for my tendency towards self-criticism.

It is through this general feeling of freedom that I attempt to give my self a purpose, or a definition as you might call it.** When I try to grasp more firmly my persona, or that of an other person (granted they live in a similar situation), the facets I consider are the following: Behaviour and Sentiments. In my opinion these are the most interesting way of understanding one's self, or other's for that matter. Let me try to explain what I mean by this.

A rather indirect way of understanding someone is through their behaviour. When I speak of behaviour I'm referring to the "actions" one takes in life. Some pretty obvious examples of actions one might take are the choice of participating in physical activity, professional endeavours, the creation of art or the usage of drugs. Included in the list is a person's social behaviour. The reason I feel this is the most indirect, and at times misleading, way of reading people is too often we say or do things that either we don't believe in and/or aren't truly representative of the way we feel. Often it’s not even about doing the wrong things but simply about not doing anything at all, whether it’s due to a lack of confidence or just laziness.

Complimentary to our behaviour we have our Sentiments. Our sentiments portray the way we feel about the world. They include our beliefs, our values and even our emotions.
You all agree our beliefs and values are to some extent acquired as we grow up. Of course no human is completely self-developed, as free as I feel I realise that I owe a great deal to my parents for who I've become. However once we've reached a certain age, it should be expected of people to adopt their own point of views and take responsibility for their decisions.

Emotions are a whole different story. The reason I say this is because these represent an aspect of ourselves which are at times virtually unchangeable. I think it’s fair to say we have some control over our behaviour and beliefs. However, could you argue that you can help the way you feel? It depends on the situation, I think. As I've talked about before in a previous post, with a positive state of mind we have some control over our happiness. If hormones come into play it does change the ballpark though, I won’t deny that. I'll also argue that some emotions can not be helped, Love for example. I'm not sure if Hate can be helped, I get the feeling it can only be suppressed. Then again forgiveness is a beautiful thing.

Together with our values and beliefs, our emotions form that part of us which are often hidden to the outside world. Asides from our very close friends and family, it is not common to meet someone and have an in depth discussion related to one of these precious characteristics. So the reason our actions are so important is because they are the materialisation of Sentiments. They allow us to expose to others who we really are. In my eyes this one reason why motivation is so critical. It does not suffice for someone to have good intentions; acts of good will are what make the world go around.

I think it’s very important to take the time to think about who you are becoming. In fact, I would even go as far as saying it's what constitutes the road to happiness. So I advise you, (Haha, tell me about it, who the fuck am I to be advising you? :) Be careful what aspects of your life through which you choose to define yourself. Is it something as silly as a characteristic appearance or lifestyle? Is it something you might loose by unforeseeable circumstance such as another person? Maybe it’s something you will definitely loose with time such your physicality. Or is it something that’s part of you, something you've worked towards that can never be taken away by anyone or anything. Something like your curiosity, your desire to produce, your passion for art or your courage, your open mind, your kindheartedness or even your happiness.

Here are my thoughts on the subject; I'd be interested in hearing yours.

You family member, friend and/or acquaintance,
Jaypee

** Welcome to this blog's first foot note. The reason I use purpose and definition interchangeably is because they are equivalent. The purpose of something is reflected in the definition and the definition draws upon the purpose.

The purity that is the happiness of a child

An Unforgettable Memory,

Among the most vivid memories I have of my childhood were those times my father would pick me up, sit me on his knees and give me the ride of my life. As the fun started he would utter:

"au pas, au pas au pas
Au Trot, Au Trot, Au Trot
AU GALOP, AU GALOP, AU GALOP"

As I bounced up and down I became overwhelmed with joy. Uncontrollable laughter would come pouring out of me and for those brief moments I was the happiest kid in the world.

I guess that's all over for me. I sure hope my future kids will appreciate a bruised bottom as much as I did.

You and the Atomic Bomb

Here is a particularly brilliant, and yet obvious, extract from G. Orwell's essay You and the Atomic bomb:

"...I think the following rule would be found generally true: that ages in which the dominant weapon is expensive or difficult to make will tend to be ages of despotism, whereas when the dominant weapon is cheap and simple, the common people have a chance. Thus, for example, tanks, battleships and bombing planes are inherently tyrannical weapons, while rifles, muskets, long-bows and hand-grenades are inherently democratic weapons."

The subject matter of this essay was, as you might have guessed or already known, a prediction of what was going to happen in the post second world war period. Orwell concluded that we might find ourselves back in the Stone Age but that it was more probable that we would see the emergence of a world governed by a select few nations who lived in a state of "peace that is no peace".

What’s shocking is how accurate of a predication that was. But does this mean we live and will continue to live in a "horribly stable" world where the individual is left powerless? Maybe a fresh start back from zero would have been a better fate for mankind.

Then again, we have a history of not learning from our mistakes...

The first step of achievement

This was a note-to-self I wrote a while back. Maybe it's of interest to you, or maybe you're a self accomplished happy person. Either way, here it goes:

"There's been something bothering you lately and you know this isn't the first time it has crossed your mind. The fact is, you don't elucidate your aspirations to yourself. I can't help but feel that this is nothing more then a precaution you take. You purposely don't spend the time to set and define goals for yourself so that you don't run the risk of failing. Its seems like an artificial way of preserving your self esteem and it's clear why this tendency is lamentable ... You know what you want from life and what you expect from yourself. It's a matter of delineating these aspiration, both professional and personal, and working your hardest to achieve them. The idea is simply to take an affirmative stance and accept the risk that comes along with it.
...Maybe simply wasn't the appropriate word."

I guess all this gibberish can be summed up to: Without pinpointing your feelings and desires all you're doing is shooting at a infinitely large target with a tiny bull’s-eye.

Happiness, something to work towards.

Here's a thought that tickled my pickle:

Wouldn't you agree that our life is simultaneously divided into numerous fractions but at the same time, continuous until our last breath? It is divided because everyday is the start of something new, none the less each and every one is influenced by the last and will continue to influence the following.


The daily disconnections are often something that gives me trouble. Has it ever happened to you that you were having a great day, and I mean fantastic, and didn't want it to ever end because there was nothing that promised the following day was going to be just as amazing? Sometimes, I feel like I've got the world figured out from a to z, I know how I feel and what I want out of life, then I fall asleep. It might be that the next morning, I remember what I had managed to clarify the day before and continue to ride the wave of high life. But in the end, it might be a couple days later or a week if I'm lucky, I'll actually forget where I was headed. Just by living, our minds become cluttered with rubbish that we inevitably end up becoming overwhelmed, which can only lead to confusion and unhappiness.

I have goals, ambitions and desires like the rest, these are the things that make me truly happy. Sometimes they become buried beneath the disheartening rubbish and I actually need to spend a second, or a week, digging them back out. Of course life is all about the ups and downs, whether it's because of hormones or extrinsic circumstances.

I think I figured out the key. Of course, instead of being a simple answer, it's actually a much more complicated challenge which needs to be dealt with on a day to day basis. All ears ? (or eyes, what ever). The trick is to being actively happy. Give me a chance here, I know it sounds farfetched. Of course you can allow external affairs to make you happy, and you should, otherwise you've got bigger problems. However, if you develop the ability to make yourself happy then haven't you won?

I know, it sounds impossible. If you're upset because something really bad just happened how can you simply turn your mood around? You can't, not immediately anyway. Sometimes it's natural and even expected to be troubled in which case only time and optimism will heal us. But I would say more often then not we let ourselves be bothered by things which are not of the greatest consequence, even if they seem to be at the time. With regards to those situations, I make my point.

The next time you're upset or just feeling a little blah because of a monotonous period in your life, force yourself to remember what makes you happy. Don't wait around.

One last thing, I want thank you, Maddy, for having helped me put that gut feeling I had into a coherent thought. :)

A la prochaine!

Which kind are you?

Question :
Know why I hate malls ?

Answer :
People are so caught up in their ultimate goal of spending as much money as their bank accounts allow that they forget to look in front of them.

You know that feeling of people looking through you or simply neglecting your presence? I just... I don't understand how we ever got to this bitterly low level of recognition among ourselves. I suppose it's possible we've always been this way and have just never changed. Wouldn't you have thought that having lived in a society for thousands of year would have taught us to look out for each other? Both literally looking out in hope of avoiding a walk-in collision, but also in the more general sense. Instead, I can't help but feel that to most people I cross I'm just an other empty shell. Thank god there are two types of people. To the other kind I'm the person they chose to hold the door for that day or decided to greet for no apparent reason.

I'm not lonely... That's not my point. I don't crave attention, that's not my point either. I know people are busy when they're shopping and have their minds preoccupied, trust I'm a pro-consumer. Somehow, that doesn't mean all standards of courtesy and politeness should be dropped as soon as you have something to do or somewhere to go.

I don't expect people to stop every stranger they cross in the street to divulge in thirty seconds how depressing their life actually is. I don't even feel a Hello is needed. It's as simple as a simple gesture of courtesy or making eye contact. When you look into the eyes of a person there's something that registers in their brain. It's like that person just let you take the first step into their lives.

Of course 99% of the people you make eye contact with you'll never see again. Heck, chances are you didn't exchange nor want to exchange a single word with them but for that split second in time you acknowledged each other. Maybe it gave you a reason to let him or her on the bus before you got on. If not, nothing is lost. The point being, you took a second to devote your thoughts to someone other then yourself.

It's called acknowledgment, and for what ever little its worth it makes me feel like we live together in a society we are all part of and care for. Otherwise, we're nothing but solitary individuals living in a common space in which everyone else simply becomes a nuisance.

All I can say is an honest smile from a stranger can make all the difference in my day.

Comments?