I gotta say, I've been feel bloody inadequate these last few days. Everything I'm faced with just drags me down. The thought of grad school and having to apply for funding makes my stomach turn. I don't know what I want to do with my life, no last year did not help, and my marks just aren't good enough.
I want to have the will power to do everything and anything.
For some reason I'm doubting everything I've ever achieved. I get the feeling none of it is important. People say "But you're studying engineering!" or better yet "Haven't you listened to yourself play the piano?!". All I can answer is SO? and SO?. What it is boils down to is that I am not satisfied. People can tell me anything they like but as long as I have this feeling of inadequacy then I just won't be happy.
Instead, my inhibitions keep getting in the way.
I don't know why I feel this way. Do I compare myself too much to others? I think I do somewhat, maybe even a little too much. Of course if the above is true to any extent at all, it's a bad sign...
I say inhibitions, but it might actually be a lack of motivation for all I know.
It's not possible that I'm falling back into a similar frame of mind as that which I had before I left, is it? I have the impression that everything I learnt last year is slowly slipping away from me. My positive attitude, my initiative, my desire to learn etc. Maybe its just because I have so much on my mind. So many bloody little things. So many things I need to get straight so that my routine is back up and running.
Is it even possible to have a desire but not to have the motivation to achieve it?
I just want to be proud. Proud of those things I create. Proud of the way I make people feel. Proud of everything I do. But I'm not, and it's driving me up the wall.
To be a hardcore student, I think I'd have to be a huge party animal and vice versa. But I'm neither; I'm just an other guy in the middle.
