A wave-like nature.

Hello,

I don't know why I'm posting something, I have nothing to say really. Other than the fact that life can be a fucking joke sometimes.

Why did I feel so ready to take it on? What was it that boosted my confidence and told me I knew what I was talking about? And for god sakes, why the fuck did all this readiness and passion disappear the second it appeared in front of me?

56%, I can't fucking believe it...

Falcon vs Squirrel

I saw something pretty impressive yesterday. I was walking around my campus when all of a sudden I see a huge bird fly over me, it must have been a falcon or something of the sort. So I stopped and watched it's huge winds carry it through the air. Now, as if this wasn't a rarity in itself, what came next was the truly impressive part for at that moment it swooped back down into a tree. There it caught a squirrel! You should have seen it fly away with the rodent in its grasp, just amazing!

Anyway, all that to say that we take not having a predator for granted lol.

Always with the sky

It must have been a few weekends ago, it was the first night of Harvest Fest. I don't think I've ever seen such a star-packed sky before. It left me speechless. There were so many stars that instead of being black, the night sky was a navy blue. As I stood there, in the cold after a night of drugs and partying, something happened. I can't really describe what was going through my head, all I can say is it made me really happy.

It was a magical weekend. The warmth of the fires, the colourful leaves, the fairy-tail setting and the sweet smell of nature left me feeling peaceful. I think it was the starting point of what seems to be an ongoing general positive mood.

Put simply, I’ve felt pretty fucking good lately.

I just took a look at my last post and I can't believe the mental state I was in. I don't even remember feeling that way! I'm so happy with things right now. My routine is up and running and my level of productivity is as high as it’s ever been! I can't believe how motivated I've been lately. I don't know how I do it but I've been living off of six and a half hours of sleep. You might think I'm ridiculous, but it's awesome! I've always told myself that I'm the kind of guy who needed endless hours of sleep and yet who always feet tired. Well fuck, I don't feel anymore tired then I used to and I get way more shit done.

I've finished a new piece of the piano, it's quite different to what I usually play and it makes me really happy. I was looking at some old pieces the other day and I realised how much progress I've made, even just over the last year! I just love being able to play, I'm so happy I didn't give it up.

I think this positive mood has to do with the fact that I have grasped a new understanding of myself and it feels like so much weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'll try to talk more in detail about this in a latter post, I'm having troubles putting it into words right now.

One last thing. I am SO happy to be back in Toronto surrounded by people I love.

Go life! lol

The nerd who partys hard

That's me! Or maybe that's who I'd like to be...

I gotta say, I've been feel bloody inadequate these last few days. Everything I'm faced with just drags me down. The thought of grad school and having to apply for funding makes my stomach turn. I don't know what I want to do with my life, no last year did not help, and my marks just aren't good enough.

I want to have the will power to do everything and anything.

For some reason I'm doubting everything I've ever achieved. I get the feeling none of it is important. People say "But you're studying engineering!" or better yet "Haven't you listened to yourself play the piano?!". All I can answer is SO? and SO?. What it is boils down to is that I am not satisfied. People can tell me anything they like but as long as I have this feeling of inadequacy then I just won't be happy.

Instead, my inhibitions keep getting in the way.

I don't know why I feel this way. Do I compare myself too much to others? I think I do somewhat, maybe even a little too much. Of course if the above is true to any extent at all, it's a bad sign...

I say inhibitions, but it might actually be a lack of motivation for all I know.

It's not possible that I'm falling back into a similar frame of mind as that which I had before I left, is it? I have the impression that everything I learnt last year is slowly slipping away from me. My positive attitude, my initiative, my desire to learn etc. Maybe its just because I have so much on my mind. So many bloody little things. So many things I need to get straight so that my routine is back up and running.

Is it even possible to have a desire but not to have the motivation to achieve it?

I just want to be proud. Proud of those things I create. Proud of the way I make people feel. Proud of everything I do. But I'm not, and it's driving me up the wall.

To be a hardcore student, I think I'd have to be a huge party animal and vice versa. But I'm neither; I'm just an other guy in the middle.

Back in the T Dot

De retour, en fin!

Ce n’est pas que la vie en Belgique me soulait, mais j'en avait ras-le-bol de vivre dans un état d'attente, de transition. On n’est jamais très confortable lorsqu'on attend la fin de quelque chose.

Ca fait du bien d'être de retour chez soi. Durant ces derniers temps j'ai eu l'opportunité de revoir tout le monde et ça m’a grave fait du bien. Ce que j'ai remarqué c'est le fait qu'en général les gens n'ont pas changé. C'est vrai que je ne m’attendais pas vraiment qu'ils changent mais j'avoue que ça ma un peut choqué comme les choses sont resté identiques. Il ce peut qu'un an ne suffisse pas. Ceci dit, il faut avouer que certains on bien fait du progrès. J'espère que vous tolérez la subjectivité que j'attribue au mot progrès...

Bah, simplement pour que vous le sachiez, il n'y a pas grand chose de la Belgique qui me manque, a part mes quelques pots et bien sur la bière Belge. Mais bon, les amitiés ne se désintègrent pas avec le temps et la bière ce n’est pas bon pour la santé de toute façon. Le taf c'était bien, mais je m’attends que l'université cette année soit encore plus intéressante. J'ai hâte à me perdre dans mes études.

Ah ouais, un dernier truc. Le français me manque. Bien qu'je fasse un effort et qu'il y en a parmi vous qui faite pareil (je vous apprécie!), c'est loin d'être pareil. Mais bon, faut pas trop ce plaindre dans la vie.

Après tout, j'me sens vraiment bien dans mes pompes en'c moment.

A+ dans le bus.

Where did it all of it go?

Eyes closed, I take a deep breath. “It stinks of nothing” I think to myself. My eye lids reluctantly open, allowing in all too much light at once. A shrill runs through my body and my retina begin to burn making my eyes leak. I give them time to adapt. I wipe my tears away with my bare arm but am not able to stop the shaking for what I behold inspires no cheer.

“This can’t be it, can it? It doesn’t feel right, something is missing”. I take another long deep breath. I feel no breeze but I know there is one blowing, there always was. I feel lost in this place, but I know exactly where I am.

I gaze into the distance for what seems an eternity. The landscape is monotone, a walnut brown colour, and infinitely continuous. There are only remnants of life as far as the eyes can see. I am standing in what used to be a forest. Tree trunks tower above me and cover the ground all around. I feel a rain droplet fall on my cheek. It chooses an all too familiar path, running down to the corner of my mouth. I raise my gaze to the sky. I have the impression of looking at perfection. Never in all of my life have I seen such a complete pallet of grey.

“I’ve been here the whole time, how could it slip away?” I look at my hands only to realize I no longer sense my surroundings. My hands were always such an important way for me to bridge my passion to the world. But that’s in the past. I could rid myself of them now.

I feel as though I have taken a step back to look at this austere world through an impassive window.

I convince my legs to carry me forward. As I walk towards a nearby tree, the sound of leaves brushing against my bare feet stimulates no emotion. But I remember loving it, at times I would even go out of my way to orchestrate such a rhythmical whisking. I walk right up to a tree. I observe its epidermis, it looks dry and severe. Under the slight pressure of my palm the bark gives, crumbling to the ground. I feel nothing.

I turn my back to it and slowly crouch down until I’m sitting alone with my arms crossed over my knees. I bow down my head, hiding this desolate landscape from my sight. I hear drums in the distance. “Just wake up” I whisper to myself “Please just wake up”.

Its actually Very pleasent to look at, the sky that is.

The reason I am...

Happy:

Life is so fucking generous with me.

Disappointed:

I am under the impression no one reads my blog. No one ever comments anyway. Please try to comment, I really want to know what you think.

Satisfied:

I feel like I got a lot done this weekend. I also made sense of a few things that were troubling me.

Stressed:

Although I have a better understand of what was making me unhappy, it is not something I can easily change.

Excited:

I have an amazing summer awaiting me. I will be going to Mallorca for enough time to party my ass off. I have a ticket to one of the dopest festivals on this side of the planet, Dour. I'll be visiting Holland with my dear Berdie. I'm going to finally get to visit Berlin. There are also strong chances that I will be going camping once I'm back in Canada. But not any kind of camping, I'll be camping with my best friend.

Very sad:

My body has been hurting me, in many place. I can't lift weights anymore, I have tendonitis in both elbows and at least one wrist. My knee is still injured from snowboarding and now I'm starting to doubt whether I can continue swimming because of a stupid pain I'm getting in my shoulder(s?).

So pleased:

I have learned a lot about who I really am and what makes me happy. I'm also very proud in many regards. This is what keeps me going to tell you the truth.

Before turning black, it was once again made up of a vivid mix of dark teal , rich orange and mellow pink.

Quite lonely:

I really want to care for someone. Why don't you exist yet?